I now know what it feels like.
YOu know when someone says "when i found out about such and such it felt like a ton of bricks hit me".Yep. felt that. But it wasnt a brick that hit me it was a truck . Today when i found out about , some delightful morsels of information about said situation,i felt this way. And i swear a semi-truck hit me going at least 60 miles per hour , with intent to kill. And no one else saw it , maybe if they did i could of gotten a small warning. Maybe a, Rachel look out, or Rachel its a HUGE TRUCK COMING YOUR WAY ! oh no,it hit me , hard, took me out. And the thing is i couldnt react , because of pride and the fact that no one knows. Im sure if those around me looked intently they would of saw, as the sound waves that the truck rode on to my earlobes , finally reached its destination , i snapped back upon impact. Didnt even really have time to react , was determined to act normal and cover up everything. So ,for an immensely long period of time i sat and chatted, torn between running around to nurse my wounds and trying to be cognitive of what others around me were saying. Finally , i was released, found a safe place and checked myself for bruises , cuts etc. It was worst than i thought , a gash on the inside of my soul and my heart. ANd the pain wont subside, its one of those num pains , that just vibrates through your heart , soul , mind , right on up into the back of your throat. I think i almost choked on it a few times throughout the day. But back to the room , I entered , fell, laid, moved, attempted to find comfort in between the lines of psalm 64, for the Lord (ouch) is (ouch) my (ouch) hope (ouch). I Wait (scream) in silence(cry)for you alone (why) Lord (why).Faith is the assurance of things not seen , not felt , but emotions are like huge breakers over me , snatching precious air, leaving me gasping for air. Move about , cant sit still. Im dizzy. Off to class , must move because sitting still hurts the wound.Praying hoping for something, some joy , some distractin , some comfort, some shoulder, none , no one. Thats where iam at now , here, typing, writing, sharing , with whoever reads this thing, still hoping , I want to be dramatic and say i dont know how to go on, the fact is I do , to well, I can just cope , just cover up .But this time i dont want to , I want to scream , kick , cry , accuse, blame myself.But, alas night falls and much to do , maybe as i dream? Maybe some unseen hand will stitch together my wound? Hoping.
I think i now know what Paul means when he says the things we as Christians suffer are not for the benefit of others. I hope to encourage others , and help tend their wounds if they are hit by any trucks. Also i realized today that their are two kinds of death at work, there is sin that produces death in non-believers, and then there is a death of believers , as one submits themselves to Christ and the process of him increasing and you decreasing. In the words of lauren "the second one will lead to life".

blessings and peace